Where does it come from? This measurement of worth in terms of your relationship status. I was insecure about it, because of this underlying streak of comparison by others like a criteria sheet that says you are something if you are in a relationship, but the opposite if you’re not. Comparison ever-present when those around me are all tied up, and I am dangling like an unnecessary accessory on the side.
That’s why it helps to constantly fuel yourself with reminders of the bigger picture, like a car on a journey constantly filling the tank with fuel to keep going. I’m the car on the path of my life, and I need that fuel of motivation to remind me of my dreams, goals, and the destination of where I’m going.
I remember coming so close to fitting and becoming half. My indecisive self was the narrator. Then when Kathryn and Louis asked me what I really wanted, I realized I didn’t want to be in it. It’s like I see this catalogue walking on the street, and I want to be in a relationship. Yet when it is right in front of me within grasp, begging me to grasp, I hate it, and don’t want to be in it.
Wanting that cozy warmth. Yet feeling claustrophobic just thinking about it. Wanting to think of someone else other than me. Yet loving too much the selfishness involved in taking care of only me.
There is this friend of mine, who I love having DNMs with. She always reminds me to put me first. To not let those around you step on you. To treat yourself with dignity. Be your own boss, and hold the reins of your life. Turn it the way you want it to. Not care what people think. Do you. Be ambitious. Her words are like this little spark that lights you up until all you can see is so much faith in yourself like lighters that turn into a huge fire that you become incapable of knowing the word impossible.
This afternoon, she reminded me to not sacrifice just yet. To not invest in something prone to wear you until you lose your youth. To hold on a little longer to that freedom of being young and single. I won’t let go yet. Not now when I’m still visualizing the entirety of what my future holds. Not now when these are supposed to be the times I’m looking for me. Not now when potential looks like an oil field ready to be tapped into unimaginable riches. Not now when I’m yet to reach the peak, the top, the highest I can go.
If we only have one life, why settle at mediocre? Others may have found the greatest times of their lives. Others might have found all they’ve ever wanted. Others may have reached their heaven, their galaxy, their best they have and will ever find. But this is me. And I’m at mediocre. The taste is still stale. I now know something I’ve never been more sure in my life. That there is so much more than now. Fresh and best is so much higher than this.
This is just the beginning. It’s like opening a door to this whole new world. Like when Lucy touched the snow behind the wardrobe in Chronicles of Narnia. I’ve only just discovered my Narnia.
I’m going to run my race, climb the mountains inside it. Discover, explore, have fun. Burn that criteria sheet in their faces with success. Silence subconscious comparisons with the reality of claustrophobia. And just run, run as fast as you can, enjoy you, be you, faster and faster until you fly.