Start with putting back together what you look like.
Erase the distorted view of who you are.
The disfiguration with amplitude that echoes
as a result of believing the “oh poor you,”
hating, because you can’t see anything past the mess on your face.
Had to go back to October
to see the words that came out of my mouth
to remember the view before the distortion.
I felt the love again
towards the smile, the purity, the life and innocence glowing from the camera
because what I couldn’t see a few moments ago was emanating so clearly.
So I had to remind myself of what was important.
That there are thousands of different categories
and with your so few exposures
you’d make the mistake of believing that that’s all the categories there are
so when the inevitable low scores come in,
you focus on it so much
like a focal point of a magnifying glass against the sun
Heating up to create that burn
that you burn your face into a warp
and when that disfigurement is all you see
you hate, and believe and hate some more in between sobs
living in that vicious cycle that is devoid of any solutions.
I realize I needed that space,
the circle I draw ever so often
when the air becomes thick and the energies become debilitating.
The circle allows for clearer air passage to the brain
because you need oxygen in those travelling blood cells
for the identification of the issue.
That explains why I was irritant to songs that said “it’s okay, it’ll be alright”
because I didn’t know what I would be “alright” from.
When I turned off the video of me last October
I felt that familiarity again
bursting from inside me
I miss it so much,
that unexplainable euphoria
happiness that geysers.
The times I’m alone so I’m busy working
on some project I’ve created
and I’d spend hours even days, inside my walls
because I can’t separate myself from working on things I love so insanely.
The October me reminded me of the essentially of who I am.
I score so high on these categories
and I needed to water the scores on my face like those sprinklers that come on at random times
to wash away the mess on my face
my impaired vision to be cleansed
the distortion on my face to be repaired
so I can see beauty when I look at the reflection
if high is the best and many is the spread,
beauty is not how high you score compared to the next person
but rather it is how many you score compared to yourself.
It is the uniqueness, the individuality, the masterpiece you absentmindedly created
as a product of the amalgamation of your genes, your environment and your reaction towards events.
It is fulfilment each morning
when you wake up because mercy comes with the morning light
it is satiety each day
when you breathe the hours of the day because grace abounds
it is repletion each night
when you go to bed because love overflows.
Remember who you are
not the best, because there are bests anywhere and everywhere you go
but the different, because that’s your constant irrespective of place or time.
You are unique
a blueprint specifically designed for you
you are individual
you are you.