I don’t understand. The pastor said God positions us. Like what. To be here. Where I’m buried and hidden behind calm dignity that’s bull because I’m a child. I bubble. I can’t be still unless I’m exhausted. I can’t be silent unless I’m wronged. Is that it? To cultivate?
So like as a mute the outlet is writing?
I want to be a child.
I want to be a bubble.
I want to laugh for no reason.
I want to act dumb and everyone don’t care.
I want to act boss and no one cares.
I want to be fun and no cares.
Why did the pastor say that? That He positions us. I know he is right. I just have a hard time coming to terms with it because. Like I feel like I’m greying.
I want guitar and singing. And laughter. I want to be a child again. I miss that me in the golden shirt, ragged white singlet, dirty pants, dirty feet and honest smile.
I want innocence. I want purity. I want clear air with no swearing. I want fun with no alcohol.
But mum is right. You create your environment. I remember that talk now. She said Vanessa, you need to be free from that. I think she meant to open up. To get into the world, and create your environment. That you bring God’s presence down. You make it worth waking up. You make it worth going throughout the day. Don’t accept the days as they come. You make it.
So I guess God positioned me. Right here. In this room, in front of this laptop with these lights and these books. I make my day. I make my life.
The voice recording of 5th February, if I remember correctly it was about 12 am. Noriko, Kathryn and I were singing Closer by Bethel. How could sound waves from a lifeless object bring so much emotion? Everything about that moment. No there is no place like home.
If home is the presence of God, and He inhabits the praises of His people, I can experience home in worship. I can feel His presence and through that, I can be comforted. Comfort will flush away this unacknowledged sadness of missing home. God’s Word says the joy of the Lord is my strength. Yep, that’s the solution. If I want to feel happy again, I need to praise and worship the Living God in Heaven, so His presence can cover me till I’m immersed and embraced, so that the only thing that I would know would be the unexplainable joy of the Lord in my life. 🙂