Why Am I Doing This

“If it doesn’t make you want to get out of bed and do it, then why are you doing it? ”

“Are you passionate about this?”

“Why are you doing it?”

“Why”

“Take some responsibility”

“Why are you doing law?”

I score so low on ambition tests, and truth is often times when I look into my future, I don’t see someone standing in court, or giving advice on civil matters in offices.  Instead I see papers and pages of books, and microphones, and pianos.  I see stages and faces of inspired people.  I see different peoples of the earth in different languages, and the Bible, and maps, and cultures.  That is the reason for my deviation this semester.  I focused so much on what I liked doing, like writing, or studying French and Japanese that I neglected studying law.  Which begs the question.  Why am I doing law?

Truth is, the way I see it, there is no other course I want to do more than law.  Yes linguistics excites me to my core, and writing makes me feel transcendent, but I really want to do law. I like how it feels like it explores humanity.  Cases after cases, you find people’s behaviour, and then you find reasoning and arguments.  It feels like philosophy, psychology, history, and literature, everything combined.

I’m scared to bail out, because I feel like I will regret it.  The course feels so right, I don’t want to change it.  So to figure out why I’m doing law, I think I should go back to why I first chose this course.

First, assurance. Assurance because the skills required in it seemed to go well with me. Second, my passion at the time I chose the course.  Passion because I wanted to be someone who could stand up for another person in times of need.  Third, it’s interesting.  Interesting because, it just is.

Once upon a time, my heart tore at stories of women suffering domestic violence.  Once upon another time, I was moved by stories of women in actual oppression.  I’m not a feminist, but these issues really got to me. I wanted to be someone who could do something about it. Even if it’s just a little difference, I wanted to be able to sit across the table from some distressed person, and come up with solutions on how we could deal with their circumstances.  Though doubting my skills in so many ways, it still felt so right to have chosen law.

I read recently that passion is not necessarily the momentary euphoria you feel, but rather it is endurance.  It means to suffer to get there.  Even when it doesn’t feel like you want to do it, to keep doing it.  My dad once said that change happens when you keep pushing.  Even when the wheel seems idiotic and the horizon is not visible, you have to keep pushing.  When you keep exerting force on the same area, without realizing it, the wheel will slowly have started to move.  Keep pushing, until before you know it, you would have pushed the wheel to a great distance that it will turn out to be an accomplishment.

I need to climb this hill, so that at the end I would not be disappointed in myself for giving up.

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