Free

So many things boil inside

Like a hot lava inside the pot of your heart

 

It screeches deep into you

You pray but you feel so far

 

Antagonized, no one understands

Patronized, no one sees.

 

Bury your face in legal arguments

They cure you for a second

 

Then you’re back to it all

Re-living the past, in guilt and shame.

 

Sometimes humans are disgusting

Sometimes they are too much drama

 

Try hard to be like your mother

Who always says “to be free”.

 

I struggle

Most probably because there’s something wrong with me

 

I need to vent so bad my frustrations

My anger, my sadness

 

Yet I’ve come so far to a place

Where there is no one I trust (except for my family).

 

When did I stop writing?

Why  did I stop writing

 

Writing heals

Writing helps.

 

Cry your heart out into the pages

So it’s all gracefully sorted.

 

I understand everything better when I write.

I need to get back to writing again.

 

 

About how much I need Jesus

I really need Him at this time

 

When deadlines are piling up

When responsibilities chase you, and hold you

 

When so much of the world feels like they hate you

Like the whole world somehow really really hates you

 

I’m remembering how mum said

Jesus was hated when He walked the earth

 

Who am I to not go through that

I just need courage so much.

 

 

To face those that give me condensending words

To face those that curse me

 

To face those that betray my trust

To those that dislike me for my mistakes

 

I blame myself for so many things

Whether if it’s because I’m being immature or whether any other things I blame me

 

But today I just want to vent it all out

I need to vent out

 

Yet now that I’ve come here,

The only thing I have the strength to write here;

 

Would be just how much I love me

And how proud I am of myself.

 

 

Vanessa,

You are a good woman.

No matter the times you’ve made mistakes in dealing with people

The times when you weren’t the greatest person,

You are a good person.

For the times you held your tongue when people said mean things

For the times you let go of things

You are a good woman.

For the fact that you set goals for yourself and work towards it

For the fact that you don’t let other people define you

For the fact that you work hard

You are a good woman.

 

 

So when someone says something that’s mean to you

Remember it’s probably them describing themselves

Actually vocalizing their insecurities.

 

Don’t accept words or curses

When they put it on you, remove it and deflect it because for all you know it will go back to them.

 

Speak blessings to your life,

Speak life to your being

And remember what mum always says

 

“be free, my child”

 

Forget it all

Forget everything.

Accept that not everything is because of you.

 

Accept that everyone has flaws

If it’s pride, that is their flaw, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Don’t let it get to you.

 

Be free Vanessa,

Just be free.

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