Différent

What part of cold is cold enough to make yall’s fingers break

How much do you scream over each other till yall drown?

How much do your families have to dislike yall till you lose your way? 

Your words made me claustrophobic, so I got out of the car and walked to the back

My whole life flashed before me, and thought of the last two times I hurt to my core

Surprisingly this was on the same level, I kept seeing buses running over me on replay. 

I screenshotted in my mind the view of you leaning against the car

Starry night above, shoulders drooped looking at me in pain and confusion

I sat there on the ground hugging myself and returning your stare of pain and confusion. 

I’ve never loved as much as I do towards you,

And even when we’re fighting, your vulnerability makes me want to hold and comfort you. 

So McGregor Road stop last night killed me I needed to change. 

Then Half Moon Bay I told you again I would change. 

Grow up more, be stronger, independent and selfless more. 

But how can that happen when my soul feels like a wreck from a car crash?

I want to be different. 

I want to be changed. 

The Micha Tyler song reverberates in me. 

I will have to shuffle my priorities around

Be a better human being

Be a stronger person. 

Dear Heavenly Father

Please change my insides so that I can handle my situation

Please work on my insides.

If I’m to be moulded, please frame my heart so that I can handle this

Give me the solution that correlates with Your plans.

I need You more than anything right now

Remind me of who I am, so that when I see pictures of me, I can recognize them. 

I want to see the happy and passionate Vanessa again,

Prune out the parts of me that stops me from going to Your plans. 

I want to be better for my dad, I wish I could make him smile

I want to be kinder for my mum, so that she’ll be happy at the thought of me

I want to be sweeter to Noriko, so that I can be the sister she wants me to be

I want to be nicer to Elisha, so that I’m a good sister to him,

I want to be smarter, so that I can be a better sister to Kathryn. 

You can’t grow when you’re comfortable

Therefore this is the best opportunity right now

This shaking of the pillars of my house is the perfect time to change and grow. 


Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

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