Free

So many things boil inside

Like a hot lava inside the pot of your heart

 

It screeches deep into you

You pray but you feel so far

 

Antagonized, no one understands

Patronized, no one sees.

 

Bury your face in legal arguments

They cure you for a second

 

Then you’re back to it all

Re-living the past, in guilt and shame.

 

Sometimes humans are disgusting

Sometimes they are too much drama

 

Try hard to be like your mother

Who always says “to be free”.

 

I struggle

Most probably because there’s something wrong with me

 

I need to vent so bad my frustrations

My anger, my sadness

 

Yet I’ve come so far to a place

Where there is no one I trust (except for my family).

 

When did I stop writing?

Why  did I stop writing

 

Writing heals

Writing helps.

 

Cry your heart out into the pages

So it’s all gracefully sorted.

 

I understand everything better when I write.

I need to get back to writing again.

 

 

About how much I need Jesus

I really need Him at this time

 

When deadlines are piling up

When responsibilities chase you, and hold you

 

When so much of the world feels like they hate you

Like the whole world somehow really really hates you

 

I’m remembering how mum said

Jesus was hated when He walked the earth

 

Who am I to not go through that

I just need courage so much.

 

 

To face those that give me condensending words

To face those that curse me

 

To face those that betray my trust

To those that dislike me for my mistakes

 

I blame myself for so many things

Whether if it’s because I’m being immature or whether any other things I blame me

 

But today I just want to vent it all out

I need to vent out

 

Yet now that I’ve come here,

The only thing I have the strength to write here;

 

Would be just how much I love me

And how proud I am of myself.

 

 

Vanessa,

You are a good woman.

No matter the times you’ve made mistakes in dealing with people

The times when you weren’t the greatest person,

You are a good person.

For the times you held your tongue when people said mean things

For the times you let go of things

You are a good woman.

For the fact that you set goals for yourself and work towards it

For the fact that you don’t let other people define you

For the fact that you work hard

You are a good woman.

 

 

So when someone says something that’s mean to you

Remember it’s probably them describing themselves

Actually vocalizing their insecurities.

 

Don’t accept words or curses

When they put it on you, remove it and deflect it because for all you know it will go back to them.

 

Speak blessings to your life,

Speak life to your being

And remember what mum always says

 

“be free, my child”

 

Forget it all

Forget everything.

Accept that not everything is because of you.

 

Accept that everyone has flaws

If it’s pride, that is their flaw, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Don’t let it get to you.

 

Be free Vanessa,

Just be free.

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Droit

The crest engraved
“Dieu et mon droit”
It’s supposed to be a battle ground

I’ve never been more excited
I could barely sit still

Everyone in there were experienced
In so many different fields
I loved it.

I hope someday
That will be my everyday.

Homesick

おうちに帰りたい

I stumbled upon this song, and now I relate so  much to this.

今泣き虫で家に帰りたいわたし。

うるさい兄弟。わたしのかぞく。Literally miss the noise so much.  I miss the atmosphere at home.  Music, noise, just noise I miss noise.

はやくおうちにかえりたい。

Maze

So much of you I’m lost in a maze

Of gigabytes of memories, each day we add

like hand-drawn animation with thousands of papers

 

Your scent, your love, your little actions

I was in your arms wondering how anyone could be this lucky to feel this much

Love for someone other than themselves.

 

I love you,

I’m thankful for you

And I appreciate you everyday (okay most days if we’re being realistic).

 

🙂  p.s

I also thank God

That you have dark hair because I love your hair

And the fact that you cook really nice food, and you think of others before yourself.

Trickle

Pull me down

I want to be

Each key on a piano.

 

Sink me deep

Below the ruins of shipwreck

And far below, down to the ocean floors.

 

Close my eyes
I need to be the rich cool piano notes

That perfuse dry humid air.

 

To dampen, to shower

To be the water that falls

Slow, gentle and sweetly downwards.

 

To be peaceful soft waves on the seashore.

To be streams that meet below the mountains.

To trickle down windowpanes that sob without a sound.

 

Hope

Such hopeless times we live in

When birds chirp but it’s only beautiful for a second

When dogs howl but it’s only sad for a minute.

I’m sorry, excuse me.

Really,where did life go?

How do we sit here waiting?

Waiting as though there never was fire.

Hear the children

They play and sing, laugh and squeal

How come their voices damp the air for but a moment

Their light so short

Or is it that our hearts have withdrawn so deep

We’re too far to be reached.

Maybe if we can’t cry

The moon will mourn

And if we can’t yell in frustration

The stars will explode

And if, after all these, we still can’t

Then maybe we’re better off falling like dry petals that used to be

Vibrant pink, yellow and white roses.

I hope you flame like fiery dusk

The scarlet colour that’s volatile

I pray you remember and act upon

The surge of passion and excitement that you’ve always had

I need you to feel it all again

The passion, the energy, the strength

If not with your mind and body, then at least with your being

To breathe it all in again

Like the colour of dusk

Red for passion

And sky blue.

Sky blue for hope,

Mum.

You’re the strongest human

I know you know too well

It’s probably just my mind playing up

But when you said you were here waiting

I thought of dusk

And how I vehemently refuse to accept

Hopelessness.

Win

When you have flashbacks

Of the many times you fell, drowned or were walked all over

Try.

Not to tear up.

Take a minute

To do plank and breathe in and out.

Once your blood flow feels normal again.

Mind knows you’re strong.

When its considering the facts it knows it’s silly to cry .

Yet the eyes, always seem to be in contempt.

They have a stronger bond with the soul

Communicating without the mind’s consent

Radioing each other, sending signals and alarms.

So loyal

when your heart is sinking

they sink with it.

Before you know it

You’re walking away

Trying so hard to hide your flooding face.

Put mascara, do your eyebrows, pamper

your face up.

Even when your throat is heated

your nose red and your eyes inflate

Laugh it off ,don’t let it beat you.

Walk out a winner.

Conceale it with brush

Walk out smiling

Knowing you didn’t lose today.